Fat Girls Don't Belong in the Gym

There I was, legs akimbo in the middle of the gym floor, attempting what can only be described as some form of whale mating ritual in the attempts of gaining abs, when two men in the smallest shorts I have ever seen walked past gawfauffing about how they wish fat people didn't go to the gym. 

Twats.

I quickly got up, rage searing between my eyes (wonderfully I have inherited my Mum's 'I'll show them' energy) and headed to the linear leg press where I smashed my recent PB. Not fully satisfied that I had outworked my frustration (that was actually masking my shame and embarrassment), I completed a full leg workout, only to see the same boys attempt the weight I had loaded on the leg extension and fail. Drastically. I internally smiled in complete smugness but what I wish I had said was, "I wish weak people didn't go to the gym".

Body image is huge for women. An age old system that taught us that women were only good for our looks has meant that we are over-achievers when it comes to criticising our appearance. We can't get it right either, with a million beauty standards to try to live up to - some of which contradict each other - we literally will never hit the mark. And, personally, I'm done trying.

I was speaking to a youth worker today who'd been at a conference where sexual harassment against women was discussed. Apparently 80% of women have been sexually harassed by men. Just wait, because that's not even the sad part (this isn't a post about sexual harassment, it's about body image after all). A woman heard that statistic and immediately felt sad. No, she immediately felt ugly. See, she'd never been sexually harassed - part of the 20% of women who hadn't - and her first thought was, 'what's wrong with me?'.

How excruciatingly awful is it that, as a society, we have women who, upon finding out they are part of the fortunate 20%, think there must be something wrong with them? I am repulsed.

I wouldn't even know where to begin with changing that mentality, but I know that my response can be to stop being so God damn hard on myself. Why am I wasting yet another day, week, month, YEAR so consumed with how my body looks and whether it is attractive to someone else. If I was all alone on a desert island I wouldn't be mindful of what my body looked like at all, so why is my concern what other people think rather than how I think of myself?

I wore a bikini for the first time in my life this year. I am 30 years old. I spent my entire 20's covering up because I was too concerned about what other people might think about my body. Never mind the fact that I looked my best in my 20's and have missed the opportunity to flaunt that (that's not really my main concern but hey, the point stands), it meant that my whiter-than-white stomach, which has essentially never seen the light of day, burnt like no tomorrow because it's never been acclimatised. My poor tummy.

I'm not hiding myself away for the sake of everybody else's opinions again. We're not talking about doing anything grotesque here, or about being inappropriate and making everybody suck it up....we're talking about something that contextually is perfectly normal, but because I am considered, 'above average weight' I shouldn't be doing. How ridiculous is it that your skin-to-fold ratio should be the decider on whether you can get the said skin out.

Summer began 4 days ago and I tell ya, I'll be wearing bikinis and enjoying it. Summer dresses, crop tops, shorts....expect to see it all and to see a big fat smile on my face as I enjoy it too. 

A few years ago I remember writing a blog post about keeping myself in jeans in the summer because I just wasn't ready to brave my legs in public....well, the day has finally arrived. I have finally come to the realisation that life is simply far too short....

I'm getting them out.